what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
