I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I will pee on everything he values.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
