Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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