im so drunk with asians
where?
always
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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