Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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