dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
