Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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