I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
