i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
