I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
stop calling my apartment porn island.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
