I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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