he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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