Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
