I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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