Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
