I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
