Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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