i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
