there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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