What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
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