mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
