We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
