you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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