I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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