i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
