Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
