Christians are straight up FREAKS
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
