i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
