Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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