Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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