Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
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Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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