I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
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