And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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