Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
