i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
my liver is dry heaving
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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