i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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