It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
