i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
