i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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