i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
