Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
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I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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