My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
