Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
