omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
