So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
