I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
