I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
