i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
