im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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