Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My pussy is not your playground.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
