After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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