I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
