Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
