I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
