Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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