Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
