I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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