that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
