I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
