Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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