My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
